I first noticed a single round patch, about the size of a 5 pence piece, on the top of my head about 15 years ago. It came as a bit of a surprise really, as I had no idea what it was - I had a shaved head back then too, so part of me thought I'd just gone a bit close with the clippers by mistake, which I think is what most other people thought too. I tried to think no more of it, but I kept catching my reflection in things and it started to worry me. Less so what it was, but more what everyone else thought.
Like a lot of men I ignored it and expected it to go away. A few weeks later and it had grown to the size of one of those big old commemorative 50p's, but I wasn't that keen on commemorating anything.
By this point, I was about 21 and had moved out of the family home in the Midlands and was living in Greenwich in SE London. I was working in a pub having dropped out of my 2nd year at uni. I was having a great time; partying, going to gigs, running music nights; it was great - I honestly couldn't tell anyone that I had anything to stress about.
But ultimately, something subconscious wasn't right. There was a chemical and biological signal, visualised physically on my own head, through the loss of hair, that was telling me something wasn't cool.
It took a bit of time, but I eventually plucked up the courage to go and see a doctor about it - I say courage, but it was more like consciousness, I guess - I wasn't afraid necessarily, I just didn't really know what I thought or that there was anything that wrong, but I suppose it had to be. Either way, I sat with a doctor and answered a few questions, he took a little look at the patch on my head and pretty confidently told me that I had stress-induced Alopecia Aerata.
OK, then. What? I'm not stressed though.
I've always had the philosophy (I think I got it from my dad) that if you can't do anything about it then there’s no point worrying about it, and if you can do something about it, then do it and you won't have to worry about it anymore. I knew there was an element or two in my life that I needed to change in order to feel better.
The problem was, I still didn't feel "ill" or "stressed", in the ways I then understood it to mean, and being told I had something that was stress-induced and that the best thing for me to do was to not worry about it; well it's like being told not to look behind you.
Fast forward a year or so, the patch had grown and a few more appeared, but after my initial anxiety and concern over what other people might think, and thinking everyone was looking, I soon realised no one cared. Which then meant I could start to care less. Lo and behold, a change of job and a change of attitude later, the hair in those patches slowly but surely started to grow back, firstly fine and white, and then just normal dark hair.
I'd like to say that was the last I saw of them, but I've come to realise that it's unlikely to be something that ever truly disappears, and nor should it. I've now got myself an inbuilt warning system that tells me something's not right, that something needs changing. And it's now a sign for me to stop, assess and absorb everything that's going on in my life and figure out the thing that needs changing - not a lot of people have something so literal. So in a way I should feel lucky.
I'm writing this now, at 35 years old, because over the past 9 months the patches have reappeared, not just on my head but on my beard too. And through my past experiences of dealing with this...thing, it's allowed me to pretty quickly identify the exact cause of my stress-induced Alopecia Areata. A bit of a gift, I suppose.
My life is good. I am very lucky to be me, I've a brilliantly caring and supportive wife and a right little beaut of a 4 year old daughter, and dealing with this each time serves as a reminder to stop and appreciate everything that I have that is good, and to work out what needs to change.
As a family we recently made the decision to relocate from Dorset to Bristol, to be around more like-minded people; creatively, politically, socially, and to be closer to family and friends. To be in a place that's much more suited to harnessing and accelerating the business my wife has worked so hard to build, and now to take the much-needed next big step in my career; going freelance as a photographer - Something I know I've wanted to do for a long time, but needed to be in the right place and space to do it; geographically, financially and mentally. There's never a perfect time to do it, and with this global pandemic having changed the world, that certainly brings with it it's own uncertainties and anxieties, but I'm excited for the first time in a long time, I'm confident and I'm clear in my head that this will be what it needs to be for me, and my family, and those little patches all over my head.
I never used to like change, but now I know I need it, we all need it to some degree. It keeps us fresh, it challenges us, and it helps us learn and grow. I've learned to have a better relationship with my own mental health, however it decides to manifest itself, realise that no one else gives a shit about little bald patches on my head and to love and appreciate the gift it's given me.
